Someone I love lost a child. What can I do?

A mother in my community recently lost her child. A caring heart & trusted healer to me, who had been asked by several people "what can I do for this mother?" reached out to me asking if I would be open and willing to share my thoughts...

My response after listening to her message was immediate, & with a broken heart I replied "ABSOLUTELY."

If you are a friend or family member wondering what can you do, please keep reading. If you are a mom, dad, sister, brother or grandparent, I am so, so sorry. Please know that you are loved deeply & you are not left alone to navigate this journey.

What can I do - Acts of the Heart

Follow her lead. In regards to most everything. Do not shy away from saying her son’s name, talking about him, sharing stories and memories, and expressing your feelings about him. Allow her to tell you if that is not what she wants. Every parent grieves differently and for some, talking about the child she just lost is difficult or impossible. For others, it is all they want to hear. It is important to remember that her lead today may change tomorrow, next week, next month, or next year. Just pay attention and follow her lead.

Her mind, her body, her spirit is a gaping black hole right now. A black hole with a million thoughts that she likely cannot piece together or make sense of. What is happening inside of her is chaos mixed with emptiness. One moment of perceived clarity is quickly raided with thousands of memories, thoughts, visions, and what-ifs. Allow her space.

Resist the urge to tell her she needs to eat, or drink water, or shower, or brush her teeth, or rest, or sleep. She will do all of those things. In her time. Quietly and unassumingly holding a bottle of water in front of her with the cap off is the best thing you can do. But do not force her or tell her to drink. She will drink when she needs to.

Express your feelings for her child, but be careful not to add your grief to her. There is no single person on earth that feels the pain and devastation that she feels. She only has room for her own grief, and that of her other children if she has others. Show your emotions, but be mindful of how you present them to her. Lean on other friends and family to help with your grief, never her, or the lost child’s siblings.

If there are siblings, honor their grief as their own when talking with them. Try not to make the conversations with them about how their mom is doing. They are a family unit and grieving this loss individually while at the same time watching the most important people in their life, their parents and siblings, hurts immensely and compounds the grief of the loss. Give genuine care to the uniqueness of each of them.

Do not ask “what happened” or for details on what led to the loss of her child. Right now the only thing that matters is that her son is no longer with her. What caused the loss is irrelevant.

Be mindful of how you show your grief when with her. Remind yourself that this woman lost her child. Her grief is bigger and louder and more painful than any other type of grief or the grief that anyone else can possibly feel at her loss. Resist the urge to compare to the loss of a parent or grandparent, or any other loss. There is no comparison with grief, especially that of a child.

Acknowledge the magnitude of her loss. It is as big and as unimaginable as you imagine it is. You can let her know that with very few simple words, such as “I have no words”, “I am so sorry”, “I love you” or a simple heart emoji text anytime you think of her. Sometimes we feel like we need to give or say more. In this instance, simple words can be so powerful.

Do not expect responses back when texting or calling. Do not call or text if you “expect” a response. Even if you are asking her a question. It may take her days, weeks or months to reply. She may never reply. But please don't give up on her.

Try to avoid asking her to make any decisions that are not absolutely necessary at the moment. Over the coming days and weeks she will have to make decisions that she never knew existed and that no parent should ever have to make.

Do not be afraid of silence. She does not need advice right now. Most importantly she does not need advice on how to grieve, how she should feel, or what she should think. But, sitting in silence with her, witnessing and honoring her pain, ready for her to say what she wants when she wants, and is ready, is the most beautiful and powerful gift.

Things not to say: “he is in a better place” “he would want to see you happy” “he would want you to live”, etc. Those words come from a place of love, and are most likely true, but they can feel harsh and triggering. Her son is no longer here on earth with her. She is burying him, or has buried him. He should be here, with her.

She is different now. And will be forever. Parts of her died with her child. And she has no control of that. She will have to learn who she is now, and that will continue for years. She is still your friend or family member, but she will be different. Please do not try to rush the process for her. Do not judge her decisions as she is learning how to navigate in a world that, for her, is completely foreign. Respect the place she is in minute by minute, day by day, month by month, year by year. Over time, there are parts of her that will return, there are parts that will not. She has no control over what does and doesn't. She only needs encouragement and acceptance of how she honors her grief, her loss, and how she leans into her new world as she learns.

The first few weeks will be filled with people coming and going, reaching out. It will be filled with taking care of details that no parent should ever have to address. After that, it slowly starts to quiet. The world will be continuing on right in front of her and she will struggle to make sense of it. Please do not stop showing all of the love that you showed during the first several days and weeks. Even if it is one sided. Remind yourself that she is battling demons every single day that most people cannot even fathom. The work her body is doing to simply survive will feel like single handedly holding the titanic from hitting the iceberg. Continue to show your love for her with zero expectations of anything in return.

Try not to say “I don’t want to make you cry”. She cries on her own. She lost her child. It isn't about you. Her crying and her pain lives with or without you. Unless she has told you that she does not want you to talk about her son, or say his name, please let her cry without judgement as you talk about him or simply engage in everyday conversation with her. She will likely cry many, many times in front of you, if you are lucky.

Be patient. Be genuine. Do not judge. Love her fiercely and selflessly. Follow her lead.

What can I do - Acts of Service

The first weeks will be filled with food and flowers and cards and remembrance gifts. More food than can be eaten. But do not let that stop you. Send the food, send the flowers, send the cards, send the remembrance gifts. The thought and care that comes with it will feed her heart for a lifetime. But, please also think beyond the first few weeks. 

During the first few weeks and months, also think of standard household items such as toilet paper, paper towel, dish detergent, countertop cleaner, laundry detergent, body wash, hand soap, make-up remover. These are not the sexy items to have delivered, but they are the items that will run out, forcing her to go to the store. Consider sending them. They never go bad and you can never have too much. 

DoorDash. When the food deliveries from friends and family stop, and she has a day or night that she does not want to cook or go to the store, or talk to anyone, doordash is a savior. Delivery gift cards are great and they do not spoil. 

If you have a MealTrain planned, try to scatter the meal dates. And, place coolers on her front porch and ask people to deliver them, quietly placing them in the coolers. Do not make her talk to people or feel she needs to entertain company as they bring meals over. A text reading “I will be dropping off food at (insert time). You do not need to respond but if you need anything, just let me know” will open the door to invite company or express a need if she has one. 

Grocery deliveries - Going out into the world is hard. Again, the first few weeks and month or so will be filled with food and gifts. Months later, when most people are able to carry on with life, she will only be at the beginning of her new journey through life without her child. Consider gift cards for grocery delivery or simply having groceries delivered to her doorstep with all of the standard household items that most people don’t think about. 

Lawn care, weeding, snow removal, dog walking (if applicable). Keeping up with the everyday responsibilities can be difficult. Consider arranging for mowing, gutter cleaning, window cleaning, weeding or pet care. Motivation and care for normal “home” things takes a second seat to simply getting up and managing through the day no matter how good she may appear to be to everyone closest to her. 

Long term, holidays and days of significance will never be the same for her. Flowers, cards, sentimental items, and simple text messages acknowledging the date and her son are beautiful. His birthday, the day he left this earth, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years Eve/Day, Easter, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Memorial Day weekend, Labor Day weekend, any significant day her family acknowledged and gathered or celebrated will be hard for her. Remember her leading up to those days. Any act of kindness during important dates - flower deliveries, cards, text messages - any acknowledgement at all, genuinely sent, is powerful. 

If it is something you need or do at your home, so does she. Consider gifting it to her. Even if to you it feels like it is long after “that day”. Remember, for her, “that day” is now her everyday.

Signed, a mom of one heavenly child & three earthly children.

Thank you for reading. I am an over-thinker. As a result of an insecure over-thinker, important work generally takes days, weeks, & sometimes months to ship. But this wasn't just any ask. This was close to home & heart. Somewhere just across town in a home I may or may not know, hearts have been shattered. While the rest of the world (including me), unknowingly, continued on. I would give anything not to understand. And consequently, not to be the person on the other end of this ask. But, I am & I do understand. So sharing my thoughts required no thought let alone over-thinking. To every one of you who are navigating this world without your child, I honor you for continuing on.

With love, SS